


To face the truth

by Ethel09



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-12-24 22:20:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21106925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethel09/pseuds/Ethel09
Summary: Grace has never been one to shy away from the truth : she has fallen in love with a gangster from a catholic family of gypsy origins, the epitome of all she has been brought up to hate, to despise  and to fight...The thoughts of several characters (mostly Grace) during the events of S.1-3.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace's thoughts before her meeting with Cambell in the park (S1 E 5).

Grace has never been one to shy away from the truth : she has fallen in love with a gangster from a catholic family of gypsy origins, the epitome of all she has been brought up to hate, to despise and to fight.

But the truth precisely is that, for her, he’s not that any more. He’s the only man she really _sees_. Not as he outwardly appears, or wants to appear, but as the complex, messed up human being he really is.

The good, the bad, she sees or she guesses all of it, and it makes no difference. In some ways, he’s so different from her that he’s nearly her polar opposite. But for all what really matters, she feels so close to him… His loneliness, in the middle of such a crowd of people, is the sister of her own, who was brought up as an only child by a very busy man. Like her, a painful past shapes his path. Like her, he sees himself as irrevocably tainted by the means he has to use to reach his goals. They both do bad things for good reasons, or what they think are good reasons. And at least, Tommy does what he does for his family.

How ludicrous are Campbell’s pompous speeches about their shared ideals and commitment to duty ! The truth is that she was full of hatred, of a thirst for revenge, and she was ready to do anything to satisfy it. As for Campbell, he’s obviously self-deluded as well, for what drives him is ambition. She doesn’t want to believe some of the things she has heard about what he did in Ulster : not gentleman, no friend of his father would stoop to that. But he’s nonethless very far from the knight in shining armour he believes himself to be.

But didn’t she share, not so long ago, Campbell’s image of the world in black and white ? How can meeting one single man change so many things?

For the truth is that what she feels for Tommy is far beyond any kind of distinction between right and wrong. Whatever the differences or similarities between them, whatever he or she has done or will do, when she's in his arms, when he says her name in his very special way, she feels as if they were two elements completing each others, as perfecty as two pieces of the same puzzle. As if they had always been meant for each others.

This is love. She has read about such feelings, but never experienced them. She has fancied herself in love before, a few times. But she realizes now that it was physical attraction, or admiration, or pleasure to find a mind attuned to hers. Nothing of these was love. Unconsciously, she might have known it, for she didn’t accept the proposals she received, back in Ireland, from two men who were very eligible ones, according to her social sphere.

When did she fall in love ?

Maybe it was the very first time, when they found themselves facing each others at the Garrison. She had been completely taken aback by the sudden and strong feeling of attaction, and she’d had the instant intuition that he had felt the same. She didn’t know who he was at the moment, but she’d immediately realized that he was no ordinary man. She’d not been surprised when Harry, with his veiled sentences, had warned her against him. So this was Thomas Shelby, one of the two targets of her mission.

It had been rather easy, then, to tell herself that she had just felt the connexion between the hunter and the prey.

But a few days later, she’d heard him talk to his frightenend horse, his deep, velvet voice softened even more to soothe the beautiful stallion. She hadn’t heard what he had said, but she had been struck by his gentle, almost tender tone.

Or maybe the turning point had been the night when he had come to the Garrison, far after closing time, with that lost expression in his eyes. That night, he had sought confort with her, he had let her see him as even his family (or maby especially his family) never saw him. Was it because «barmaids don’t count» ? Or because he too already felt something for her ? That night, she had realized for good that he wasn’t the soulless brute Cambell described, or even the ruthless, cold and remorseless leader everyone thought him to be.

Of course, there had been the races, and the way he had planned to use her, the way he had actually left her at that pig’s mercy. What if she had really been what she pretended to be, a helpless, well-educated girl who had been outcast by her family ? How angry she had been at Tommy then, and at herself too for having developped some kind of soft spot for such a filthy, pimping bastard !

But he’d changed his mind in time, he’d come back for her with a story that might well have put an end to his deal with Kimber, had not the man been so much in need for help against the Lees. So she had been right after all, she had thought on their way back, he did have a heart and a conscience, as hard as he tried to ignore them. This inner conflicts, his hesitations in front of the means he’d though himself ready to use… how much of herself she had recognized in that ! Or maybe, she had just been too much in love already not to forgive him.

And then, there had been that moment when he’d arrived at the pub, slightly out of breath, and had asked her to help him against some fenians determined to kill him. Why had she felt the urge to shoot, in spite of what he’d instructed her to do, in spite of what he’d said about the police wanting these men alive ? Was it because of her hatred for the IRA, of because of that primal fear that had seized her at seing Tommy held at gunpoint by these merciless men ? Anyway, Moss would have been too late to save him, so she can't regret what she did.

What she regrets, now, is to have so faithfully reported everything she could learn to Campbell, even things that had nothing to do with the guns. Such as Freddie’s presence in Small Heath on the night of his son’s birth. He’s a communist, and she’s always been taught that prison is where any communist should be. But she saw the pain hidden in Tommy’s eyes and in his falsly detached tone, when he told her that all his family hated him. Because of her, now everyone thinks he’s the one who snitched on his old friend and brother-in-law. How painful it must be that even his closest kin would think him capable of that ! 

She regrets as well to have told Campbell about the secret date Tommy chose to put an end to Kimber’s hold on the races. What if the man warns Kimber, and then do nothing to prevent the fight ? Grace is very well aware now that Campbell’s fight against Tommy has become personal. His oversized ego just can’t stand having been outsmarted for so long by a man who in his eyes is just «gypsy scum».

But now, Grace is almost sure that she knows where the guns are hidden. And if she doesn’t tell Campbell, sooner or later, the IRA might put their hands on them. Would Tomy willingly betray his country, the country he bravely fought for, would he sell his loot to these enemies of the Crown ? Grace is not sure, and it frightens her to realize that even if he did, she would not stop loving him. But anyway, he could be forced to give the guns to them, didn’t this nearly happen ? And if it did, whereas she could have prevented it, Grace could never live with herself .

But if something happened to Tommy, could she live, period ?

There’s no escape from the truth : she’s fallen in love with Tommy Shelby. But there’ no escape from her duty either : she must tell Campbell when the guns are hidden.

Grace will have to face both these truths, and act on them as she always did.

Maybe she can find a way out of that dilemna. Maybe she can strike a deal with Campbell : she will tell him where the guns are, and in return, he will promise her not to do anything to harm Tommy. She knows the man well enought now to realize that he doesn’t always keep his word, at least to people he doesn’t deem worthy of it. But she doesn’t think he would break his word as a gentleman to her, his friend’s daughter, and a woman of his own class, for whom he has always professed so much admiration and respect.

Thus she will fulfill her mission, save her country from a deadly threat and Tommy from Campbell’s clutches in the same time. And then, she will immediately resign her position… To do what ? This she doesn’t know. How will she find the courage to confess to Tommy what she has done ? How could she bear to see the trust vanish from his eyes ? She doesn’t know yet. First, she has to make sure that he will be safe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace's thoughts after her night with Tommy (S1 E5)

He's sleeping in complete trust and abandon. The ever present mask, the carefully guarded expression is gone, replaced by something she'd never thought she would see on his handsome face : complete peace.

That's what he feels at her side. How much she'd like to feel the overwhelming pride and joy she could feel at such a sight if she was just Grace the barmaid.

Instead, watching him is piercing her heart.

The whole night, in his arms, she has forgotten everything, all what she's done, in a state of blissful ecstasy, in a perfect fusion of bodies and souls, a taste of eternity.

But now he sleeps, separated from her by that peace he's in, that peace she has falsely given to him, and anguish is washing over her like a tidal wave. How ironic, in a way, that he, the criminal, is sleeping that deeply, whereas she, who did all what she did as an officer of the law, is awake, overcome with guilt.

But there are different kinds of crimes.

"Will you help me ?" he has said. "I found you and you found me. We'll help each other". In spite of all what he's been through, all what he's done to survive and to help others to survive, not only during the war, but before and after it, in a place such as Small Heath, he's still found enough faith in his heart to give his trust one more time. To her. Who's kept betraying him thoroughly for months. The accomplice of his sworn enemy.

Grace can't imaging how he will feel when he finds out. Or rather, she knows all too well how the ice will close for good around his heart. Never mind her own heartache, she can only think about how lethal the blow will be for Tommy. To whom could he turn for comfort, surrounded as he is with people who depend so heavily upon his strenght?

What must she do now ? Campbell didn't keep his promise, he has even less honour than she thought he had. How well she understands now her inner recoil, any time he touched her ! She has unwittingly added some other reason for him to hate Tommy : jealousy. Maybe she should have denied it, when he'd asked her if Tommy was the one between them. But he wouldn't have believed her, the man is a soulless bastard, but he's far from stupid. And telling him that she would not have accepted his proposal, no matter what, would not have helped either.

She's well aware that to know where Tommy has spent the night will only fuel Campbell's hatred. And yet, he didn't come here for him with his men. Maybe just because it was too big a blow to his ego to have to arrest his own agent for complicity with the accused. Or maybe, because he still wants to protect her. That's why she can't leave Tommy's side, even if it becomes more and more obvious that Campbell will use for his own ends what he knows about Tommy's plan against Kimber. She must find the courage to tell him what she did, to warn him against what is to come.

She will stay at his side as long as she can. And then she will go, with the mixed peaces of their broken hearts.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Campbell thought before he decided to shoot Grace.

Sitting alone at his desk, Campbell feels as if he’s about to suffocate with anger. He just can’t breeze.

Moss’ voice, drawling with barely veiled sarcasm, is still ringing in his ears : "A Mr William Kimber has been found dead with a gun shot wound. So I’m guessing that means the Peaky Blinders won... Sir. "

"I found the guns and I took them back. I’m the one who won", Campbell mutters, as if he needed to hear it to believe it.

But deep down, he knows that it’s not really the truth. Shelby has never intended to keep the guns. They were only a leverage to achieve what he wanted : an access to the legal business of the races. Tonight, in spite of Campbell’s carefully contrived plan to destroy him for good, he’s killed the rival gang leader and achieved his goal. In his own eyes, no doubt he’s won.

But that murderous scum has won on another lever as well, the only one that really matters.

Grace.

Such a refined, self-possessed young woman, whose calm courage and distant manners he’d admired so much… How can she have stooped so low ? How could she refuse his proposal and lose her mind to the point of giving herself to that scum of the earth ? A man born in the gutter, who represents the antithesis of all what Grace’s family stands for. Whereas he, Cambell, is a friend of that family, an honorable man, with a stellar record as an officer of the law,

What does Shelby have on his side ? His youth ? Is youth that important ? Should not a well-bred girl such as Grace know better, even if that chinese whore did not ?

The reasons why he has called his men back, once he’s learnt that Shelby was with Grace, are good, rational ones. He couldn’t have arrested Shelby at her place, because that would have meant arresting her as well, and in that affair, there can’t be any trial. Very shorly after his arrest, Shelby would have died in prison, because of a fight, or a revenge from Kimber’s men, Campbell would not have come short of plausible explanations.

But how irrational was the hope that had led him to come to her place alone, only to have his heart broken at the sight of her wallowing in the mud!

Campbell feels his face burning up, blood pounding at his ears as if he had a fever, as he remembers how he has lurked in the dark under Grace’s window, only to see her in the arms of his young rival, like in a cheap drama in which he would have been cast into the role of the jealous old suitor. The one who’s always the villain.

But it was no drama, it was real life. The jealous old man was the one on the side of the law, on the side of justice. How could Grace have chosen to ignore that ?

He’d been unable to stop himself from going there, for he had still some hope. He couldn’t really believe that Grace would have actually fallen for such a man. Maybe, he had told himself, what had prompted her to offer him shelter was just an ill-advised act of mercy, some scruples at the idea of being the cause of his capture. Maybe she had naively thought that Shelby had actually been kind to her, instead of trying to seduce her, as he surely had. Campbell had so passionately wanted to believe that, even, if deep down, he knew perfectly well that Grace was anything but naive.

How pathetic.

And how he longs, now, to resume the hunt and put an end for good to Shelby’s sordid career. But first, he must be sure that Grace won’t be there to undermine his efforts. Now that her treason much be obvious to Shelby and his clan, he hopes that he won’t have to wait long before she leaves the town for good.

***

A few hours later, Campbell knows that there’s only one choice left : he has to kill Grace. She has proved to be an unreliable agent, who knows too much. Would it be anyone else, he’d have to eliminate such a threat…

… and what the hell, there’s no way to hide behind some rational reasoning the true motive of his decision. He’s had Grace’s flat watched, and he knows that Shelby has come to see her again. He’d hoped that at least, the evidence of Grace’s treason would have separated the two lovebirds. But it didn’t. He knows as well that Grace has bought a ticket for London. Why doesn’t she come back in Ireland, if not to wait for Shelby away from Birmingham, but not too far ?

He won’t have it. He can’t stand it. He can’t have the only comfort he thought he had, the idea that they’d never be to each other again, retrieved from him.

If Grace can’t be his, he would have accepted to imagine her with another man, any other man. But not _that_ man. He’d rather see Grace dead than in his arms.

So, death it is. For her first. And then, maybe he’ll be able to recover enough sense to build up another plan and rid Birmingham of Shelby for good, before he leaves the town for his new position.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wondered why Cambell had suddenly decided to shoot Grace, as he seemed before decided to get his revenge only on Tommy. I hope I found a plausible thought process.


	4. To flip a coin

Any time he flips a coin, the result is always in accordance with what, deep down, he’s already decided. This time is no different.

When Grace’s letter arrives on the following day, telling him what happened with Campbell, Tommy only sees it as another sign of fate.If they were meant to be together, Grace wouldn’t have had to shoot Campbell and to flee immediately to America.

If she had actually waited one week in London, as she intended to, who knows ? He might have come to see her, no mater what the coin had told him to do, and feel his resolve weaken. But now that there is an ocean between them, it’s easier to listen to the voice of reason.

And that voice says that he and Grace were never meant to be together.

He knows now who she is, he’s made his researches She’s Grace Burgess, daughter of James Burgess officer of the RIC, and the Honorable Violet Morris. Her mother has died at her birth. Her father has been killed by the IRA when she was twelve. One of her maternal uncles is a general, and half her other male kins are in the army as well, several of them being in active service in Ireland.

What background could be more the opposite of his own ? Grace the barmaid could have adjust to the Shelbys’ way of living. But Grace Burgess, from a family of soldiers and officers of the law ?

And of course, she’s never even considered to stay here with him, she’s asked him to quit his criminal activities and to go with her in the States.

If they were both alone in the world, Tommy would do just that. No matter how different their past are, when they are together, nothing of this matters.

But his family would never accept Grace after what she’s done. He could force her on them, of course, but it wouldn’t work. And could he leave them here and go alone?

Sometimes, Tommy dreams of doing just that. When he’s tired of being Arthur’s dad instead of his younger brother. When he has enough of having to monitor John all the time in case he does something stupid. When it becomes too hard to ignore Ada’s coldness and biting remarks. When he remembers that they all thought him capable of snitching on his best friend and brother-in-law.

But deep down, he knows that he can’t leave them, that he never will. Because if he did, he would be no better than their bastard of a father. And he could not forgive himself, just as he hasn’t forgiven him.


End file.
